


Ness, reflection

by Jenn_Calaelen



Category: The Lantern Bearers - Rosemary Sutcliff
Genre: Character Study, F/M, Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-01
Updated: 2014-09-01
Packaged: 2018-02-15 17:10:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2236893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jenn_Calaelen/pseuds/Jenn_Calaelen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ness's thoughts and changing relationships with her husband and son</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ness, reflection

**Author's Note:**

  * For [fawatson](https://archiveofourown.org/users/fawatson/gifts).



**Before the march**

It was easy to hate Aquila. He turned her life upside down without a thought – with a word to her father, not even from wanting, but from duty. Even now, she shares his bed and hearth, whenever he returns to Dynas Ffaraon, but shares nothing more. Silence keeps them separate, and it is not in Ness's heart to break the silence, it might hurt too much. All she knows of him comes from the gossip of the soldiers and their wives – and even that is hardly anything – if anyone knows more it is Ambrosius, and he is not one to speak of tales told. She cares for their hut, does her duty, speaks with him on everyday topics.

Until the storm and their first argument. Then things begin to change.

  


**Pregnancy and birth**

After he had ridden away to war, she finds herself pregnant. She weeps alone, hiding it from the others – too proud to show them her sorrow. Soon they will discover her secret, but for now, for the last moment of her own. A child will change her – change everything.

Aquila does not return, and she does not send a message, she gives birth before he even knows she is pregnant. She rests the babe in her arms – a son – his son – to carry on his line. The babe will have no name until Aquila returns – if he returns – war is never certain. Suddenly she realises she wants him to return – wants the child to know his father, even if his death would free her to return home. 

  


**Her people leaving and Flavia**

She feels the gift of his sister's name and story, a new closeness. Yet she wonders if it is that Flavia is the reason that there is nothing left of him – then shakes her head – in his way he cares for her and Minnow. In his way, he loves then – and she only knew after he offered them freedom, and she wonders if he even knows.

She cares for Minnow, bringing him up in this place without her people, in an odd space that is neither of the Tribes or of Rome, but mixed between the two. Suddenly she wonders if this is like home to Aquila. He never speaks of growing up, but she knows he is Roman. Is he glad that Minnow will grow here, not in Dynas Ffaraon? She does not ask, but watches her husband when he is there, determined to work out something of his thoughts.

  


**Minnow growing up**

He is still distant with both of them, and Ness does not now how to bridge the gap. She sees the way he looks at both of them, and knows he is glad they stayed, but there is no closeness here – no open friendship. Ness wonders what it would be like to be married to someone unwounded, like the boy she left behind (he is dead, his name is gone).

When he is there, he sometimes seems to be reaching out to Minnow, but she is not sure. It is not in a way that she can understand. Minnow is her son, and sees himself as part of Britain of the Tribes, hardly of Rome at all. She understands that to Aquila reading and schooling is important, but it matters little to her or Minnow. Sometimes she wonders if Aquila blames her for his attitudes, and if so wishes he would say. She wishes he would fight with her, talk to her, not just leave again.

Every time he rides to war, she worries that he will not come back. Will leave her alone here – with a son who would not like to leave, with all he follows Artos around. He would not like the peaceful life in her father's valley; but she would not like to stay without Aquila, for all that he is much absent and distant even when present.

  


**Minnow is hurt**

Her heart almost stops as she sees Aquila carrying Minnow in. Could she go on living here if her son is dead? But he lives – and Aquila stays with him through the nights for her to sleep. She knows he did not intend Minnow to get hurt, and wonders if this will change anything. She sees each of them reaching out carefully. But then even as Minnow starts to recover he is off to the war.

She feels Minnow's hesitation – he seemed to be growing closer to his father – and that would not be a bad thing. But the war restarted, and they have to wait, again. She prays that Aquila will return – that this new understanding will have time to grow. That the war will not take him away.

  


**Flavia's son**

She hears about the banquet first from gossip (Cordaella's son is a cupbearer and ran to his mother with the news, and she to Ness – watching her reactions, curious to see if Ness knew this – they are all curious about her husband, as she is), but Aquila tells her Flavia's story fully and she wonders – the two of them – how their stories match. Afterwards, reflecting, she had more choice, and less of a brutal change, but for all that it came down to the same choice. She wishes she could talk to Flavia – to find out more about her, especially when she mean so much more to Aquila than Ness does. What stories could she tell of Aquila before life hurt him so much that he is so withdrawn from them all?

She wonders if he would have taken her from her farm, if it had not been for this. Would he have chosen Rhyanidd instead? Would they have been happy?

Is Ness happy here – or as happy as possibly in a world falling to pieces. The war might not have touched her home, but it might have.

  


**Later**

It was hard to hate Aquila - it is hard to love Aquila, but she has never shied away from hard things. It is easy to love Minnow, even what she seems of his father in him. Even when they both ride away to war, she is alone – waiting – surrounded by people.

  


She is content to grow old here, waiting for her man to return; waiting for new for her son. She made her choice.


End file.
